


Jack & Lucas family cooking show.

by Jackcole



Category: Fucked up cooking, Lucas Baker - Fandom, Nasty shit - Fandom, Re7 - Fandom, Resident Evil, Resident Evil 7 - Fandom
Genre: At least Lucas got himself a girlfriend for five seconds, Definitely gonna hatefuck, F/M, Filth, Fucked up baking, Seriously how are you supposed to openly love him though, hate-love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-16 20:50:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21042575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jackcole/pseuds/Jackcole
Summary: Lucas makes the mistake of giving Jack a TV, now she wants to make her own cooking show.In their moldy old house.





	Jack & Lucas family cooking show.

"Heeello there everyone! Welcome to today's episode of Karen's Kitchen!"  
Scoffing at the show currently playing, Jack turned on her side and looked at Lucas.  
"Hey, cockwaddle, can you fish your head out your pants for a minute and come here?"  
Jack sat on his couch in the old apartment, which had been rearranged to just have a little living room type thing.  
All because she didn't want to accidentally dip her ass in hot ashes every time she wanted to sit and watch TV.  
She'd bothered him for a week straight before he came back to find her sitting in a place he barely recognized.  
Everything was practically rearranged, and when he tried scolding her, she just sat there and shrugged, saying she didn't see the issue since the house had practically gone to shit.  
Grumbling back, Lucas looked up at her.  
"What is it now?"  
Her eyes were narrow, intensely fixed on the woman's hands as they prepared dough, watching it get slapped around, reminding Jack of just how badly she wanted to do some baking before being taken off to this hell hole.  
"Me and you. We're gonna do some baking. Put some umph behind that last name you got, cause for a Baker, you sure have been lacking."  
Internally cursing himself for giving her the knowledge he even had a spare TV, but the alternative was her bothering him constantly and hiding all his shit, just being a general annoyance.  
"You've gotta be fuckin' joking."  
The thought of doing such a thing in this place made him almost laugh in disbelief, but the look she had insisted that none of this was a joke.  
She was gonna make him bake.  
Whether he was willing or not.  
"Come on, let's head over before ye old bitch gets up."  
The stupid things she said only made him want to say 'no' more.  
Sighing he took a rough palm down his face, hearing the couch springs shift as she jumped up.  
Secretly he hoped a few let loose and plunged into her.  
But no such luck.  
She walked over and put her hand on his shoulder.  
"Come one, hun."

She'd set up an old mixer, some blender and she'd pulled out his mother's old basket of spices.  
"Now you said the oven should work, yeah?"  
He nodded, eyes still scanning everything.  
From several bowls to whisks and everything else.  
"Perfect, hold still."  
Jack wandered off, leaving Lucas to question why the hell he ever wanted a girlfriend in the first place.  
Not that Jack was even that close with him.  
He'd never got to stick his dick in her, that and after the initial fear wore off, she became a real bitch.  
Guess the only thing telling him to keep her around aside from Eveline was that despite being a snobby bitch, she fought like fuck for him.  
Last time a girl offered to suck his dick for freedom, Jack nearly strangled the bitch to death.  
And after, she went back and tormented her to the point she had the bitch backed up against a wall, screaming every time Jack was by his side.  
So she was protective of him, and actually argued with his dad on a few occasions after he yelled at him, though she always went running the opposite direction when she saw him standing up.  
Couldn't blame her for that though.  
And it took the heat off him.  
Probably saved him quite a few marks.  
He'd been lost in thought up until Jack made a squeak, nearly falling over setting up a camera.  
"What took so long?"  
Lucas asked, mind still seeping back into present day instead of thinking about his new idea of making her fight to the death for his love just to see how far she'd go, see how twisted she could really get.  
"Well, I had to find one that wasn't attached to the wall. Ok there, we should be ready to go."  
Taking a step back, hand still touching the back where the power and record button were.  
"Three...Two...One."  
Walking back, going behind the counter, she stuck to Lucas' side, pulling him into frame.  
"Ey, Jack here, and today, we're baking cookies. Isn't that right, Lucas?"  
He looked between her and the camera, sighing.  
_This was so fucking stupid._  
"Guess so, even though we don't have eggs."  
Smiling up at him, then to the camera, she walked over to the fridge, hand wavering a little at the grimy, disgusting door handle.  
_Fucking thing looked like it was smeared with shit._  
"Aaaallright, so first we're gonna need our-"  
Opening the fridge door, Jack squealed and gagged, roaches squirming out and onto her soft flesh, hard prickly legs digging deep into the back of her hand.  
Shaking her hand just as fast as she could, swatting at them for a solid five minutes even after they were gone, she then held her arm, skin tinged a slight red from how hard she'd smashed her bones together, with little marks over the top from the cockroaches legs.  
Turning her head back towards Lucas, giving him a wide eyed look that screamed 'please help' he cracked up.  
"What's the matter? You ain't scared o' a few bugs, are ya?"  
That stupid grin on his face made her wanna scrounge for those roaches and throw them at him.  
_This is why she couldn't outwardly love him. Bastard._  
Growing stern again, she cleared her throat and muttered 'asshole' under her breath, opening the door fully and taking a step back as more roaches came scampering out, marching around the kitchen as if they weren't disgusting little wretches.  
After they'd cleared out, she looked inside and saw old rotten milk, a mutilated head on a platter, organs squeezed down in one of the bottom drawers.  
On the other shelves were eggs.  
"We start with the eggs here."  
The second her hand rested on the carton, she immediately wanted to curl up in a corner and cry.  
_Why the fuck was the egg carton greasy?_  
Her hand reluctantly grabbed them, taking it out yielded in a horrific stench taking up the whole kitchen.  
"Oh Jesus fucking tits and sparrows, I think I'm gonna be sick-"  
She hurried over to the counter as fast as she possibly could.  
"Fuck, oh fuck, fuuuck."  
She groaned, putting her hoody over her nose to try and negate the smell some.  
It was unbelievably disgusting.  
Lucas stood there with a look of sarcastic anticipation, waiting for her to tap out and say they could go back.  
"Ok, now- now we've got these hellspawns, we're- gonna flip the- oh fuck-"  
More curses rumbled out of her tight throat as her finger prodded the top off until it exposed the rotten, yellow, brown, green filth buried in long deteriorated shells.  
The sight made her gag again, saliva brimming just at the edge of her lip, she had to force herself to swallow it down, eyes getting glossy with tears begging to be released.  
"What's the matter princess? Havin' a hard time already?"  
"Fuck you, take those and shove them up your ass."  
Jack retorted, eyes flicking over to him with spite evident before she went and found a spoon.  
It was dirty at the end anyway so she wouldn't feel bad for dirtying it.  
Prodding at the disgusting old hardened filth for a moment, Jack found an alternative.  
_At least those roaches were worth something._  
She scooped a few roach eggs, dumping them into the main bowl while Lucas watched with fascination.  
Searching for more is when she realized why the carton was greasy on the top.  
There was a mega fuckton of eggs up in the lid.  
"Oh fuuuuck."  
She whined, incredibly strained as she looked down at her slick hand, swallowing down another gag as she scooped them up and dumped them into the bowl.  
At this point, she wanted out so bad.  
But she'd be damned if she abandoned ship this early, especially with Lucas standing around waiting for her to fail so he could make fun of her over this for ages to come, and even worse, he'd have film of it.  
"Ok. That's all for eggs. Now we need flour."  
Lucas' eyes lit up and she immediately knew she was in for a hell no human could even begin to fathom.  
He went down to a cupboard and pulled out an opened sack, clothes-pinned shut.  
Dropping it at her feet, she swallowed hard and looked between the camera, sack, and him, eyes wide as could be before she forced down another clump of saliva waiting in her mouth, behind her clenched jaw.  
"Thanks... Lucas..."  
She looked less than confident now.  
"Don't mention it, after all, mama's been too scared to wake those buggers for a while now!"  
As he said that, Jack shrieked and went running back, hiding in the doorway as gigantic tarantulas came running out.  
_Is- Is that a fucking huntsman?! Is that a bloody zebra tarantula?!_  
Her mind raced along with her heart as she whimpered, watching them scatter up into the counter cabinet right in front of where she stood.  
Lucas had only taken a single step back, grinning while they skittered away, then flashing a wider grin up at her as she stared in disbelief, wanting to go slack jawed but the fear of bugs crawling down her throat kept it tightly bound together.  
"Why are there spiders in the fucking flour?!"  
Jack barked out, looking absolutely mortified, almost like she wasn't the same person who tortured an innocent girl desperate for her life.  
"Dunno, mama said somethin' bout it keepin' em soft 'er whatever."  
Still with that sense of glee in his eye, Jack slowly pulled herself back in.  
"Did they leave?"  
His eyes darted down to the bag, which he gave a small kick.  
When nothing came out, he lifted it up slightly with his shoe, flopping it over where lots of the precious material puffed out.  
"Seems so."  
Coming back around with the caution of someone on extremely thin ice out in the middle of a lake, Jack slipped back into position, looking around until she found a ladle to keep it up while she used tongs to hold the measuring cup, filling it full of a mixture of thick web and flour.  
It made her wince watching egg sacks fall down in the bowl with the rest.  
Lucas spoke up again.  
"You may wanna get those out, don't want too much egg, do ya?"  
Dropping the cup down on the counter, Jack briefly held up the tongs, looking as if though she were about to follow his advice before she broke down with a sigh and pulled them back, looking at him.  
"I don't know what you mean, I only see flour... Thick... Yellowish... Flour."  
She was trying her very best not to heave at the thought of eating these.  
_The moment she got to put this cursed slop into the oven and set it ablaze was the moment she'd feel there was a god._  
"Oh hey, Lucas, mind checking the oven and turning it on for me? We need it at three sixty five."  
Not wanting to take his eyes away from the train wreck, he nodded and did as he was asked, never taking his gaze away for more than a second, so he got to see her walk away and take a deep breath, hearing her mumbles about 'your therapist told you to count to ten, hold your breath, breathe, fuck, ok' as she stumbled around, looking drunk almost.  
"What's up next, chef?"  
He asked, clearly being sarcastic.  
Squeezing her eyes shut to try and calm herself, Jack turned back and headed back over, wishing her brake could've lasted the rest of her life.  
"Butter. We need butter."  
Looked like he just creamed himself.  
_Maybe if he did that would be better than whatever viscera she was going to use next._  
Making a motion towards the fridge, Jack tried not to have a mental breakdown as she saw the pile of slime.  
Doing a double take, she tried to calm herself down, but she couldn't stop her mouth from moving.  
"I'd rather milk you and turn whatever comes out into butter than use whatever the fuck my eyes are being violated by."  
That cracked him up before he straightened out enough to speak in a structured voice.  
"I mean, I'd have no objections to that. Didn't know we were shooting that sorta film, but whatever."  
Scanning him over with judgmental eyes, Jack actually thought about it, despite the whole thing being a joke.  
Making a soft cry of displeasure, she walked towards the door, looking defeated while Lucas was there grinning like the fucking Cheshire Cat.  
"How am I even supposed to pick that up?"  
She snapped, frustration taking over her usual joking-bitchy demeanor.  
"Just grab it."  
Lucas shrugged back.  
"It smells like dick cheese! Worse than the shit you've got, don't even joke about me touching that cretin."  
Giving her a chuckle and dismissive, overly exaggerated shrug, she sighed and went over, taking the ladle, scooping it into another measuring cup before dumping it into the mixture.  
So far, out of everything, the disgusting greasy, syrup-y mess that used to be butter was the easiest to acquire.  
"We got much more?"  
He questioned, walking up to look into what smelled and looked to be one of Satan's own shits.  
Straight from hell.  
That was all that could be used to describe that mess.  
That abomination being compared to a god like cookies.  
"Ok I'm done, let's get the chocolate chips and finish this fucker off."  
Slowly nodding, Lucas looked around.  
"...Don't think we have any though."  
He said, looking back down at her.  
Jack looked actually broken for once.  
All the mental gymnastics he tried with her, and a trash heap supposed to be cookies makes her snap.  
Of course.  
She looked about ready to cry, and he was more than ready to catch that on film.  
Taking a shaky breath, turned away from the bowl, Jack looked to see the oven heated, waiting for them to hurry up already.  
"Ok..."  
She said, dragged out.  
Going over and prying open the freezer, she was pleased to find there were no more bugs trying to eat her face off.  
"Oh holy fuck, what's the matter with you people."  
She cried, seeing a bag of those delicious droplets of chocolate festering with spongey moss-like mold hanging out the end.  
"I could fucking cry."  
She whined, impatiently grabbing at the bag, it deflating as the tongs attempted to clamp down around it's midsection.  
Finally managing to pull it out, crusty bits crumbled down the edge, leaving a disgusting breathable mixture of spores in it's wake.  
Holding it out in front of her and holding her breath, face buried into her shoulder, Jack walked over, plopping it down, using the tongs to grab a chunk and drop it down in, the core being gooey with what was either old chocolate or more mold, she looked over at Lucas, eyes pleading for help, looking at him as if he were in any control of her body.  
Like he was responsible for any of this.  
Almost pleading for him to make it stop.  
But he just motioned for her to pay attention.  
A thick, silky black spider big enough to be concerning crawled at the edge of the bowl.  
Feeling angry, she swatted at it until it ran away.  
"Fuck you!"  
She barked, relieving herself somewhat off of it.  
"Get the fucking mixer."  
She deflated, slouching as she stirred the mess around.  
Pulling the tongs back and setting them on the counter, she lifted her hand just in time to have a mixer slammed down into the palm.  
"Now if only I had a gas mask."  
She sighed, putting the mixer down and turning it on, material flew everywhere, mainly the 'chocolate chips.'  
Teary eyed, she continued on, until it was mixed together as well as she figured it could get.  
"There. Done. Gimme a fucking pan and a cigarette while you're at it."  
Giggling as he brought around a pan, Lucas seemed pleased.  
"Didn't think you smoked, come to think of it, didn't I hear you sayin' you'd take my lips off if you caught me with another one between my teeth?"  
She didn't even dignify him with an answer, just a grunt while she poured the viscous liquid down into the pan.  
It was disgusting and just plopped down in with some prodding.  
More solids than liquids, though she didn't care, Jack wanted the whole damn thing to go up in flames and take the house with it.  
Coming up behind her, Lucas put his hands on her upper arms, as she rested with them folded on the counter, slightly bent over in a comfy position.  
His hands rubbed her quickly as he stuck his head up next to her neck, making her instinctually squeeze his head in place, until the stubble made her skin feel a sensation too alien to handle, and she relented.  
"I'm excited to see how they taste, tell me what they're like."  
Jack nearly bucked her ass into him at that, jolting in disgust at the thought.  
"Oh fuck no, I'm not touching those things."  
He chuckled, wandering off to the side again to perform another side task while she stood there in a state of depression.

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ _The timer went off, and she wasn't nearly ready for what was gonna come out._  
She could already smell the mold burning earlier, and she really did not want to deal with this anymore.  
But Lucas crept back into the room, giving her a pat on the back.  
"Well, take 'em out, let's see if you're 'Baker' material."  
_Giddy fuckbag._  
She thought while going over, beating up the oven gloves briefly to make sure there were no unwanted guests building homes in them before she just decided to fold them over, turning the oven off and opening the oven to pull out the most disgusting thing the universe could've ever conjured up.  
Taking it over and presenting it, Lucas followed at her heels, ogling at the discolored mess.  
Jack looked up into the camera lens.  
"Here we fuckin' are. Enjoy, I'm getting smashed tonight."  
Saying that just as she pulled out a bottle of vodka she'd sneaked from a store on their last shopping trip.  
Popping the cap, Jack downed a quarter of it before paying attention again.  
"And I mean that in more than one way. Happy fucking cooking. I'm going home, fuck this shit, what a stupid idea."  
She said, taking another heavy gulp.  
Lucas was laughing hysterically now, hooting and hollering while she blinked away tears and walked over, turning off the camera.  
Going back around, Jack took a bunch of his hoody into her hand as she dragged him off 'set' towards the doorway, eventually settling down, he got pretty handsy, grabbing at her arms and being annoying by constantly trying to lock her in a hug, or somehow hinder her mission to get them alone in the barn.  
Which she paid no attention to as she dragged him back over to the looming building, disappearing behind the big doors, putting a padlock on as he stood behind her.  
_At least there was a happy end._

**Author's Note:**

> Is this a self insert?  
Oh you know it is bitch.  
I really wanted to make something light hearted-ish for this man cause reading all these fics where everything is depressing is starting to depress me.  
So I've brought this.  
Because.  
We need a Lucas who just stands by and let's someone get into their own mess, rather than him directly creating it.  
Nothing like silently pressuring someone into going through with their horrible idea, right?  
Guess that's what he figured.


End file.
